I don’t care who you ask. Nobody’s perfect. No relationship is perfect.
When we say a behavior or action is “ugly” in a relationship, we aren’t referring to someone’s appearance or value. Ugly actions are defined by patterns of behavior that destroy trust, create distance between partners, and slowly weaken a relationship.
Part of personal growth is learning what unhealthy behaviors you might bring to the table.
The purpose of this article isn’t to shame women. The goal is to shine a light on some unhealthy behaviors that some women may consciously or unconsciously exhibit when they’re in a relationship, understand why they do them, and learn how to break these bad habits.
Here are 12 ugly things women sometimes do in relationships.
1. Testing instead of communicating
Women will often test their partners to see how they will react before just asking how they feel about something.
This includes:
Playing hard to get by withholding affection
Using the phrase “I’m fine” when they’re obviously not
Trying to set situations up to gauge a partner’s reactions
None of these things make a man feel close to you. In fact, it pushes him away because you’re not being clear about how you feel or what you want.
Healthy Communication > Testing your partner
2. Expecting their partner to read their minds
Some women expect their partners to automatically know what they want, need or are feeling.
They might say things like:
“He should know that…” or “If he loved me he would…”
Some women expect their partners to read their minds. They get upset when their partner doesn’t know what they are thinking and they feel bothered that they have to ask.
Communication is key. You can’t expect your partner to know how you’re feeling if you aren’t willing to communicate those feelings.
Reality: Nobody can read minds.
3. Giving the silent treatment
If you’ve been in a relationship long enough, you’ve probably had an argument that ended with one (or both) of you giving the silent treatment.
The silent treatment is different from taking a few minutes to cool off before having a conversation.
Extending the silent treatment means:
Deliberately avoiding your partner’s calls or texts
Refusing to talk to them for days
Total shutdown of communication to “punish” them
The silent treatment is the ultimate power play. It forces your partner to grovel for your attention.
Practice calmness instead of silence
4. Pulling emotional punches
Emotional manipulation can be both obvious and subtle. Sometimes you don’t even realize you’re doing it until it’s pointed out.
Here are some examples of emotional manipulation:
The classic guilt trip: “After everything I’ve done for you…”
Playing the victim to get out of trouble.
Crying just to win an argument.
Using sex as a reward or punishment.
We all do this from time to time, but constantly pulling emotional punches will make your partner feel unsafe and will destroy trust.
Honesty > Manipulation
5. Keeping score
Some women play the “scorekeeping game.”
Example:
She helped him with something, so now he owes her.
She had to drive last time, so this time he has to pick her up.
Asking for favors all the time but never asking how she can help you in return.
Love is not a scoreboard. Every relationship has an ebb and flow when it comes to who does what.
Rather than keeping score, focus on being generous and fixing the imbalance by talking to your partner.
Scorekeeping > Mutual generosity
6. Comparing their partner to other people
The number one way to kill someone’s ego is to compare them to someone else.
This includes:
Comparing your boyfriend to your ex
Pointing out how other men “do XYZ better”
Highlighting all the things your man doesn’t provide.
Comparison is one of the most venomous entities to dump into a relationship.
Your partner should feel safe and accepted with you, not worried that he’s being compared to other people.
Constant comparison = destroy self-confidence
7. Seeking external validation
Some women love to play the victim to receive attention from others.
Flirting with other men for attention
Searching for validation from others.
Telling everyone about their relationship problems.
Spread yourself too thin and you’ll soon find there’s no love left for your partner.
If you feel as though you are lacking something in your relationship, address it with your partner first.
Seeking attention externally > Asking for what you need from your partner
8. Emotional exaggeration
Someone does something that upsets you, you instantly assume the worst, and then you react emotionally.
If you want your man to be able to communicate with you without feeling like he’s walking on eggshells, learn how to regulate your emotions.
Reacting emotionally > Thinking before you act
9. Refusing to take accountability for their actions
Being right is overrated.
Some people would rather be right than happy.
If you can’t admit when you’re wrong, you’ll never have a healthy relationship.
Instead of refusing to accept accountability, learn how to recognize when you’re wrong and own up to it.
Stubbornness > Accepting responsibility
10. Trying to change their partner
One of the best things about being in a relationship with someone is encouraging them to be the best version of themselves.
However, trying to change your partner’s personality or the person they inherently are is selfish.
Accept your partner for who they are, and work with them to become better.
Trying to change them > Helping them become the best version of themselves.
11. Controlling behaviors
Insecurities can cause people to act out of control when it comes to their significant other.
Some signs you may be too controlling in a relationship:
Checking his phone every minute
You need to know where he is at all times.
Constantly checking up on him.
You don’t allow your partner to spend time with other friends without you.
It’s great to be attentive in a relationship. Just not compulsively obsessive.
Being controlling > Trusting your partner
12. Being unappreciative
Ever date someone who constantly complains about everything you do for them?
When your guy does something nice for you, do you take it for granted?
If you’re guilty of any of these things, you’re likely unaware of how valuable it is to simply appreciate your partner.
There’s nothing wrong with letting your partner know they’re appreciated.
Being unappreciative > Saying “thank you”
Why Do Women Do These Things?
But it’s important to note that these actions don’t occur because of the snap of a finger.
Most of the time they are coming from a place of:
Past heartbreak.
Fear of being alone.
Low self-esteem.
Poor communication.
Emotional insecurity.
Changing your bad habits starts with figuring out where they originate from.
How to Improve Your Relationship Behavior
Improving your behavior in relationships starts with awareness.
If you don’t know that you’re doing something wrong, you’ll never be able to change it.
Here are a few ways you can improve your relationship behavior:
Stop Testing > Ask how they feel
Take accountability for your mistakes.
Don’t overreact; learn how to control your emotions.
Say “thank you”.
Build trust with your partner. Don’t try and control them.
Communicate, don’t avoid conflict.
Final Thoughts
If you want to improve your relationship with your partner, you must first improve yourself.
No one is perfect, and everyone has their shortcomings.
Bring awareness to your actions, understand where your bad habits are coming from, and choose to do better each and every day.
A strong relationship isn’t built on trying to be perfect. It’s built on improving together.
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