One of the hardest things about narcissists is their unpredictability. You’ll experience times where they’re extra sweet and attentive, mixed with moments where they shut down or are rude or emotionally unavailable.
You may ask yourself: What happened? When did they change? Why can’t they just be nice? How can I get them to care about me?
The thing is, even though narcissists may feel unpredictable in the moment, their behavior overall tends to be consistent.
You’ll realize that there are certain things you know they’ll do again and again.
You’ll stop second guessing yourself and start trusting your gut.
You won’t expect a narcissist to change their ways just to please you. You’ll focus on setting boundaries to take care of yourself.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 for help and advice at 1-800-799-7233.
Here are 13 things narcissists will do, again and again.
1. They’ll Need Constant Validation
You can almost always count on a narcissist to:
Fish you for compliments.
Run a monologue by you to brag about their accomplishments.
Get mad at you when they feel you aren’t noticing them or praising them enough.
Sure, some of these behaviors might not seem obvious at first. Especially in the beginning stages of a relationship when they are working extra hard to win you over.
But as time goes on, you’ll notice that how they treat you is reliant on how much you compliment them and cater to their needs.
If you stop validating them, they stop giving you the behavior you came to know and love. Translation: They pull the guilt trip card until you give in to their needs.
2. They’ll Make Everything About Themself
Whether you’re talking about your day or telling them about a problem you two are having, narcissists always find a way to relate it back to themselves.
This behavior isn’t always intentional. Narcissists have a skewed perception of the world and they see everything as revolving around them.
The side effect of this is you’ll often feel unheard or emotionally invalidated by them.
3. They’ll Have a Hard Time Owning Up to Mistakes
Who likes to feel wrong? Nobody.
But while many people can take accountability for their actions and mistakes, you know a narcissist if they:
Always find a way to not be wrong.
Make excuses for their mistakes.
Twist things around so that it makes them look better than you.
Shift blame onto you.
To a narcissist, taking accountability means tarnishing their perfect image. Admitting they messed up means confronting the fact that they’re human just like you.
Instead of owning up to mistakes, they’d rather throw excuses at you until the problem goes away.
4. They’ll Get Defensive When You Criticize Them
Even if you’re just calmly bringing up something that bothered you about their behavior, a narcissist will flare up.
You can expect a narcissist to:
Get defensive.
Act offended.
Storm off in anger.
Give you the silent treatment.
Try to prove that you’re wrong.
Typically, when you criticize a narcissist, they feel attacked. Because you messed with their perfect image, they retaliate with a victim mentality.
No one likes to hear constructive criticism, but to a narcissist it hits different. They can’t handle hearing anything that may portray them in a bad light.
5. They’ll Charm You—Early On
You can bank on a narcissist to know exactly what to say to you when you first meet them. They will put in the effort to woo you and sweep you off your feet.
You’ll feel:
Super attractive to them.
Completely understood.
Wow-ed by their charisma.
Of course, as time passes, they’ll eventually drop the charm and act more like their true selves. Which brings me to my next point…
6. They’ll Test Your Boundaries
In order for a relationship to function, you both need to respect each other’s boundaries.
A narcissist will not make it easy for you to enforce your boundaries with them.
When you put a limit on them, they will:
Test your boundaries again and again in little ways.
Pressure you to give in.
Try to convince you that your needs are petty or not important.
Make you feel guilty for saying no.
The problem is, a narcissist only values themselves. Your boundaries aren’t their problem to recognize and respect.
7. They’ll Put Their Needs Above Yours
Speaking of valuing themselves…
You can count on a narcissist to always put themselves first before you.
This may manifest as:
Always asking for your help, but never giving you the same in return.
Making decisions that benefit them, without considering your feelings.
Getting mad when their needs aren’t met immediately.
It’s normal to want your partner to consider your needs in a relationship. But if you’re with a narcissist, you’ll quickly learn that your needs come secondary to theirs.
8. They’ll Idealize You, Then Depreciate You
Remember earlier when I said you can count on a narcissist to charm you?
What comes after the charm feels likes abuse.
Narcissists will put you on such a high pedestal in the beginning stages, you’ll feel absolutely amazing around them.
Soon after, they’ll:
Depreciate you.
Pull all the charm and affection they once had for you.
Emotionally distance themselves from you.
Disappoint you time and time again.
Repeat steps 1-4.
This cycle of idealization and depreciation is one of the most emotionally damaging patterns a narcissist will put you through.
If you can recognize this cycle, you’ll know that their thoughts and actions aren’t personal—they’re just how narcissists operate.
9. They’ll Lack Empathy
Put yourself in my shoes. Empathy is a narcissist’s favorite game.
While narcissists are certainly capable of intellectual empathy (understanding your emotions on a basic level), they lack empathy when it comes to:
Deeply understanding your emotions.
Acknowledging your emotions and validating them.
Putting your emotions and needs above their own.
There will be moments where a narcissist seems empathetic towards you. But overall, they only care about themselves. So if you need your partner to mirror your level of empathy, a narcissist will never be able to provide that for you.
10. They’ll Manipulate You in Subtle Ways
Manipulation isn’t always easy to spot. Oftentimes, narcissists can control you without you even realizing it.
Common tactics a narcissist will use to manipulate you:
Guilt-tripping you.
Being passive-aggressive towards you.
Playing the victim when you confront them.
Dog-whistle crying (when they’re angry but cry to manipulate you so you feel guilty).
Avoiding taking accountability by manipulating you into thinking the problem is you.
11. They’ll Twist the Truth
One thing you can always count on a narcissist to do is lie…
To themselves and others.
Whether it be changing small details about the past or denying things they said months ago, a narcissist will weave their own narrative so that they always look superior.
If you don’t threaten how they view themselves, a narcissist will lie to you about anything.
Over time, their lies will make you question your memory and sanity. Always trust your gut and know you’re stronger than you think.
12. They’ll Avoid Genuine Emotional Intimacy
Sure, they can fake intimacy real good.
But when you really get down to it, a narcissist will avoid:
Sharing their feelings with you.
Letting you see their ‘weak’ side.
Opening up to you about their emotions.
Being emotionally vulnerable with you.
We all like to appear strong and put-together on the outside, but a narcissist cannot bear to be vulnerable with you.
13. How to Protect Yourself Around Narcissists
Learning how to identify and trust your instincts is key when dealing with narcissists.
If you struggle with setting boundaries with narcissists (or anyone for that matter), keep these tips in mind:
Establish consequences for when they violate your boundaries.
Don’t give them too many explanations. Let your actions speak for themselves.
Have your own support system.
Notice patterns rather than getting caught up in their words.
Put your emotional needs first.
You are not responsible for changing someone else’s behavior.
Final Thoughts on Things You Can Count On Narcissists to Do
They know exactly what to say to push all the right buttons when they want something.
But when you look at the big picture and patterns of their behavior, you can easily spot certain traits that never change.
Yes, narcissists may be confusing in the moment. But as you learn their patterns and behaviors, you’ll start to know what you can count on them to do.
And with that knowledge, you can leave the relationship if it no longer serves you and your emotional needs.
You deserve to be with someone who respects your feelings, boundaries, and needs. Recognizing these unhealthy patterns can help you shift towards healthier ones.
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